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Posts Tagged ‘UFO’

Being the respected scholar that I am, I’ve been keeping my pulse on some of the more important breaking news that has been happening within the past several days.  I say it’s important news because these stories make the CNN news ticker right next to other earth shattering factoids such as Jennifer Aniston is back on with John Mayer and Oprah is fat again.

Before yesterday, my favorite news story of the week was about a hoax played by a woman in Columbus, Ohio.  This street rat crazy woman must have had a day off from her job at Merrill Lynch…or she didn’t have a job at all; I didn’t really get the details.  Either way she decided to rent a limo and take it to one of the country’s frontrunners in fashion..Burlington Coat Factory.  If you don’t mind pleather Hugo Boss coats from 1998, this store is Mecca. If I had to pinpoint it for those who are not familiar, I’d say one step up from Walmart, four steps down from Super Target.   

Upon entering, the suspect superfluously announced that she had won 1.5 million dollars in the lottery and would pay for everyone’s purchases.  As pandemonium ensued, loved ones called loved ones who called baby mamas who called fly bitches who called brahs who called their boys to all come down and get in on some of this hot shit because the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen coat collection was dwindling low.  Pretty soon over 1,000 people were jammed outside to get in.  Well hmm, turns out street crazy’s funds must have been tied up in offshore accounts because she didn’t have the flow to pay for everyone’s Bongo jeans.  That’s when the customers (who would have had to pay for the purchases initially LIKE ANY OTHER DAY) decided they had ‘earned’ these free things and started looting the store, stealing and throwing things to the ground.  News stories likened it to looking “just like hurricane Katrina.”  So now not only do we have vandalism but also a bad, bad allusion to a major devastating event that killed people.  Nice.

The millionaire herself.

The millionaire herself.

This reminded me of the time I was in front of a Ross walking to my car and two women drove by in a Cadillac and one stuck her body out of the sunroof and screamed “I’M RICH BITCH” and threw dollar bills at people passing by. I’m not a formal thespian (writing is my craft) but if I were to pretend to be wealthy I would A) Throw on something other than a Garfield t-shirt B) Not hire a limo to go to a shopping plaza like I’m making a stop on the way to homecoming  and C) Probably try and flaunt my green at a place like Neiman Marcus, not Kmart.  

However, this would also all be dependent on the fact that I thought it was actually a good idea to skip work to pretend I was a baller…but I digress.  If you ever see Warren Buffett throw Benjamins at a lady standing in line at Value City let me know and I’ll eat my words.

But now for your social media orgasm of the week…Welcome to the Falcon Heene variety hour.  I’ll spare going over theFalcon details again;  if you need them, you can find them here.  Turns out, the little boy who suspended flights at DIA and had the Air National Guard following his every move for two hours was actually in a box in his attic ‘taking a nap.’ 

The family has been so traumatized that they’ve had time to go on CNN, all of the local news outlets here in Denver and even decided to skip school this morning so that Falcon could throw up during a live interview with the Today Show.  While I’m perturbed that taxpayer money went to finding a boy whose family may or may not have played a prank, mostly I just don’t want people to think that all of us Coloradans name our kids Falcon or Juniper or Sierra Rain and build time machines in our backyard while listening to Widespread Panic. 

So thank you Heene family for making Colorado seem that much crazier than when you were on the show Wife Swap- uh, twice.  When I want to scream because every newscaster in Denver won’t stop making awful puns about UFOs and hot air balloons and every jackass at Maloney’s drunkenly yells “GO FALCON GO!”  I’ll be sure to give you a call.

 Skelladay

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