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01346To casually mention that, in fact, “2009 sucked” is pretty much the “No-Shit” statement of the century- kinda like saying Jon Gosselin is a douchebag or the show Community is a waste of Chevy Chase’s time. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the only good things that have happened to me this year were getting my little Eva and Obama being inaugurated.  Granted, a puggle and a black president are significant, but I can’t really claim the responsibility for their success…well, maybe Eva’s (she’s such a good dog!)

Other than that, 2009 has been a complete wash. Celebrities are dropping like flies and everyone I know is breaking up.

It’s no shock to anyone that my most recent break-up was moderately devastating, to say the least. I spent entirely too many nights alone with my dog watching Hitch and trying to figure out what I could’ve done differently to salvage this extremely dysfunctional relationship. Sure, I called my friends and family crying, and each person provided a different means of comfort. Skelladay would listen to me and chime in with advice when I asked, The Caus would offer to take me out for burritos and my brothers offered to get me drunk at tailgates.

Despite counsel, delicious chicken burritos and the promise of liquor ice luges at sporting events, one thing remained the same throughout all my heartfelt cry-fests with my loved ones…everyone asked the same thing: “What did you even see in him?”

It actually struck me as somewhat bothersome. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU PEOPLE THE ENTIRE YEAR AND A HALF WE DATED? Your comments were peppered with “Wow! What a catch!” or “You really found yourself a keeper” when, in fact, you were all thinking “What a douchebag prick…I give them 2 years, tops…and that includes several well-crafted ‘timeouts’ .”   It’s nice to have the support, but next time I walk the plank, tell me there are sharks in the water, mmmkay?

It’s amazing the thoughts that run through your head after you’ve given yourself the opportunity to step back and evaluate the situation for what it really is: a learning experience.  Nothing more, nothing less.  People that say everything happens for a reason can screenprint it on an American Apparel T-shirt and tell it to Delilah.

You begin to notice that all their cute and charming habits are nothing more than obnoxious and irritating.  The word endearing is quickly search and replaced with the word scathing.  You actually find yourself joining in with your friends during their manbashing sessions and start to throw in your own terrible experiences.  When you start taking punches at the one who sleeps in your bed?  Time to hang up the gloves and put on VH1. 

I believe Sex and the City’s Charlotte York said it best: “I’ve been dating since I was 15, I’m exhausted where is he?!”  

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a free burrito coupon I need to use before it expires.

 

Hugs,

Hargusta

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