Archive for the ‘Snuggies’ Category

It hasn’t been since the Sigfried (or was it Roy?) debacle that any of us have seen a tiger attack so potent.  But what else do you expect from a company that calls Michael Jordan a pal?

Enter the 33 second black and white air strike from Nike during this momentous Masters comeback.

I have to say, I like the commercial.  Before you get all huffy, let me re-phrase.  I like the AESTHETICS of the commercial.  The brief, black and white montage of Tiger frittering and fidgeting with his eyes in a habitual line dance between remorseful and determined is reminiscent of Andy Warhol’s 500 plus screen tests in which he mounted celebrity friends in front of his tripod and asked them to stare blankly into the camera for four minutes.  To watch them in a collection is a really impressive and simplistic beauty.

Nike was rounding third with this commercial until Earl decided to scold Tiger.

The freak of nature phenomenon who just wants to get back to playing golf and never miss one of his children’s birthdays again is rehashing in a way that, while marketing genius, is not putting his goddess of a Scandinavian supermodel first.  Which by the way, should be done very, very privately at this point.  Preferably on his large boat at sea.

On Nike’s part it’s as effective and as awesome as the Manchester United and Ajax soccer commercials they ran a few years ago.  Most of Nike’s ploy has always been a ‘Just Do It, Just Run, Just Play’ mantra.  Through Air Max Shoes and Gortex half zip shirts Nike has made us believe that there’s a warrior in all of us who just needs to get out there and run, jump or swing despite our problems/weight/stress/age, etc.  With his big return at the Masters, I assumed Nike would put out a commercial, but more along the lines of a few still shots of Tiger doing what he does best with no regards to the 14+ skanks and all of the Mystic Tan hush money they now possess.

But I seemed to forget that with an inconceivable marketing budget comes the giant balls to put it out there. Yeah, they went there…and they went there with Earl Woods nonetheless. From the grave, from heaven, from wherever.  Whew, that’s a lot to do in 30 seconds.

As nauseating and annoying as it is, the blogosphere is out of control dissecting this lil gem of a commercial.

Funny how we wish he would now just shut up and crush the ball again circa 2009 when he was still on PR house arrest. No more press conferences, and please, no more Earl.



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It is to be said that I am a social media addict, ostensibly so.  I have also (briefly) relocated from the sunny rays of Colorado back to the wet, damp, snow-laden  winter wonderland snowgasm hell from which my closest loved ones and relatives reside.  This ungodly amount of precipitation has afforded me much more time indoors to run on the treadmill, watch Californication on my Macbook and yes, spend a lot of time on Facebook.

After the (somewhat) successful secret bra color status trend that hit Facebook a few months ago, it’s become apparent that the newest and greatest foray into active Facebooking is now community participation.  (BTW, the bra color update was only funny for a minute based upon the sheer pandemonium it caused men for those terrifying 20 minutes that they were unsure of).  Whether it be spiteful, hateful, humorous or inspiring, it seems that social media in all of its widget glory is still a touch alienating and community Facebook goals are the water cooler talk for 2010.  I am ok with this because it diverts people from Farmville and Mafia Wars which are soooooooooo 2009.

Some of the newest trends include the aforementioned bra color, the Doppelganger  “week” which actually seemed to drag out like a bad high school reunion and my NEW FAVORITE ONE : “can we make [inanimate object A] more popular than [pop culture ‘icon’ B].”   The basic premise is to find out how many fans a particular ‘celebrity’ has and try to “outfan” this person(s) with an everyday object, based on its  everlasting qualities such as taste, color or general awesomeness.  Some examples include “Can we make this pickle more popular than Nickelback” or “Please make these curly fries more popular than Lady Gaga.”  It’d be an impressive commentary on celebrity gluttony if the same people who joined these groups weren’t the same people who spend all day on US Magazine message boards, myself included.

In light of this new sense of community, I’d like to recommend some collaborative Facebook activities that I’ve thought a lot about just at this moment. right. now.

Who I’d like to punch: Why put up a picture of who you “look like” when you can let the world know who you’d like to smash in the face.  I think this is a nice one because while your balding, mid-20s friend probably does not look that much like his “doppelgänger” Taylor Lautner, it’s much more realistic to assume that one day you may get to punch him in the face for repeatedly saying that he looks like Taylor Lautner.  In fact, placing his picture up as yours for an ENTIRE WEEK on Facebook (which is equal to 5 light years) sends a clear message that, “Hey buddy, if you don’t stop saying that you look like the guy from Twilight, you will get a knuckle sandwich, sooner than later.”  It’s succinct, and let’s face it, hilarious.  I recommend choosing a picture that makes other people want to punch this person as well, such as when he has a popped collar, is throwing up a gang sign or is shirtless in an inappropriate place.  Girls, this is equal to when another chick is : making a duck face, wearing a tiara or throwing up the standard sorority peace sign.

Addendum: Other suggestions include “the girlfriend/boyfriend of a friend I’d like to sleep with,”  “the person I know with the worst hygiene,” and “a person I would probably turn in to the cops.”

The age when I first…  : This one is not for the faint of heart, but based upon the question allows you to gauge how much of a A)Slut  B) Prude C) Nerd D)Moron you are compared to the rest of your Facebook Universe.  Some examples could be : The age when I first…”realized I loved drinking,”  “was arrested,” “wanted to hang myself at an office going away party” and, “bought my own weed” etc.  The reason I like this one is because there’s so much crossover in Facebook no one really knows what anyone is talking about.  You may put the status update of “13,” signifying the first time you felt grown up but your mom may assume that means “the first time I lost my virginity” which was another little status trend happening simultaneously.  Awkward hilarity ensues.

At will statuses: This is good for anyone who clearly has nothing better going on (myself at the moment) and justifies letting the entire world know that “Arrested Development is the best show EVER” or that “Milano cookies are still good even though I am 26.”  (I agree with those both of those statements, btw).  The idea is simple:  pick two equally awkward choices such as “For my next status update would you rather have me write my worst opposite sex story or would you like me to post my worst grade school picture,”  allow one day of voting, and then once the people have spoken, honor their choice.  If anything, it’s way more interesting to read a litany of bad naked stories than 45 updates about how the last season of Lost is going to rock so and so’s face off.  Plus, you get to see how big of jerkoffs your friends really are.

If we want to look at this with any type of perspective, I guess we could say that 1) Facebook really beat the hell out of Myspace and 2) The power of social media is dense and can just as likely be used to garner hope and inspiration for worthwhile causes in forthcoming months and years.

I, however, prefer to look at it from the standpoint that thanks to active participation, your parents and (gasp! grandparents) are getting first-rate Facebook army training and becoming social media soldiers that will soon know how to look at every picture, status update and inappropriate message you receive.  My advice?  If you can’t beat ’em, drink up and join em.

Hi Mom and Dad : )


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Being the respected scholar that I am, I’ve been keeping my pulse on some of the more important breaking news that has been happening within the past several days.  I say it’s important news because these stories make the CNN news ticker right next to other earth shattering factoids such as Jennifer Aniston is back on with John Mayer and Oprah is fat again.

Before yesterday, my favorite news story of the week was about a hoax played by a woman in Columbus, Ohio.  This street rat crazy woman must have had a day off from her job at Merrill Lynch…or she didn’t have a job at all; I didn’t really get the details.  Either way she decided to rent a limo and take it to one of the country’s frontrunners in fashion..Burlington Coat Factory.  If you don’t mind pleather Hugo Boss coats from 1998, this store is Mecca. If I had to pinpoint it for those who are not familiar, I’d say one step up from Walmart, four steps down from Super Target.   

Upon entering, the suspect superfluously announced that she had won 1.5 million dollars in the lottery and would pay for everyone’s purchases.  As pandemonium ensued, loved ones called loved ones who called baby mamas who called fly bitches who called brahs who called their boys to all come down and get in on some of this hot shit because the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen coat collection was dwindling low.  Pretty soon over 1,000 people were jammed outside to get in.  Well hmm, turns out street crazy’s funds must have been tied up in offshore accounts because she didn’t have the flow to pay for everyone’s Bongo jeans.  That’s when the customers (who would have had to pay for the purchases initially LIKE ANY OTHER DAY) decided they had ‘earned’ these free things and started looting the store, stealing and throwing things to the ground.  News stories likened it to looking “just like hurricane Katrina.”  So now not only do we have vandalism but also a bad, bad allusion to a major devastating event that killed people.  Nice.

The millionaire herself.

The millionaire herself.

This reminded me of the time I was in front of a Ross walking to my car and two women drove by in a Cadillac and one stuck her body out of the sunroof and screamed “I’M RICH BITCH” and threw dollar bills at people passing by. I’m not a formal thespian (writing is my craft) but if I were to pretend to be wealthy I would A) Throw on something other than a Garfield t-shirt B) Not hire a limo to go to a shopping plaza like I’m making a stop on the way to homecoming  and C) Probably try and flaunt my green at a place like Neiman Marcus, not Kmart.  

However, this would also all be dependent on the fact that I thought it was actually a good idea to skip work to pretend I was a baller…but I digress.  If you ever see Warren Buffett throw Benjamins at a lady standing in line at Value City let me know and I’ll eat my words.

But now for your social media orgasm of the week…Welcome to the Falcon Heene variety hour.  I’ll spare going over theFalcon details again;  if you need them, you can find them here.  Turns out, the little boy who suspended flights at DIA and had the Air National Guard following his every move for two hours was actually in a box in his attic ‘taking a nap.’ 

The family has been so traumatized that they’ve had time to go on CNN, all of the local news outlets here in Denver and even decided to skip school this morning so that Falcon could throw up during a live interview with the Today Show.  While I’m perturbed that taxpayer money went to finding a boy whose family may or may not have played a prank, mostly I just don’t want people to think that all of us Coloradans name our kids Falcon or Juniper or Sierra Rain and build time machines in our backyard while listening to Widespread Panic. 

So thank you Heene family for making Colorado seem that much crazier than when you were on the show Wife Swap- uh, twice.  When I want to scream because every newscaster in Denver won’t stop making awful puns about UFOs and hot air balloons and every jackass at Maloney’s drunkenly yells “GO FALCON GO!”  I’ll be sure to give you a call.


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Are We Lazy or Genius?

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